Quasi-related Picture, but a Healthy Rant

Steam of consciousness, dudes. Kinda long, but it's my blog, man. Deal with it.

First of all, I have never understood the hysteria that accompanies the threat of terrorism. Yes, 9-11 was a horrible crime of mass murder, but compared to disasters elsewhere in time and space, it is no more than a modern expression of time-honored tactics in service to strategic aims, which are in reality hollow fantasies. Does al Qaeda really pose a threat to our existence as a nation? Even if some fanatics were able to detonate a small nuclear weapon in a major city, as horrible as that idea is, would that not be the absolute maximum limit of their feeble power of terrorism? And aside from considering the extreme difficulty in putting together such an act, how does this compare to the past and newly relevant power possessed by Russia in the form of real nuclear weapons sitting atop working ICBMs? Given Bush’s idiotic destruction of the ABM treaty and his insane insistence in further enriching the defense companies with huge contracts for a fantasy “Star Wars” system in eastern Europe, I find the potential threat of terrorism to be severely limited and quite possibly thwarted altogether through both international policing and diplomatic efforts combined with some self-control in the use of petroleum.

What I’m getting at is that Bush and his minions are the primary benefactors to our national hysteria, as it has proven to cement their power and even fool the nation into entering into a war against the weakest nation in the Middle East, which did not possess any threatening means of attack on our country AT ALL. Hans Blix, head of the UN Disarmament team had said so, as had Scott Ritter, as well as Mohammed al Baradei (head of the International Atomic Energy Agency), and these men were closer to the action in Iraq than anyone else. I won’t presume to guess the motives behind the Bush/Cheney obsession with war in Iraq (Oedipal and financial, I’m sure), but since we now all are witness to the absolute disaster spewing up in the wake of its execution, I can at least call them incompetent liars, and if not Hitlerian in any other respect, similar to the Fuhrer in at least the complete inability to accept a reality so pressing upon them as to squash them flat.

When we look at how terror plots have been foiled throughout recent history, it seems that it really is a police function that works the best. In Spain, Britain, Italy, Germany, and in this country, it was not military action that thwarted plots or caught the perpetrators after the fact, but rather the careful investigatory and intelligence techniques that brought terrorists to justice. Even our foray into Afghanistan, which I supported, has done little to quash al Qaeda, as it seems even stronger now and much more diverse and need only retreat into “friendly” Pakistan to continue operations. What good is our military if we fear to tread across the border of an ally so shaky as Pakistan’s yet manage to kill 3500+ of our own and permanently maim tens of thousands of others in a pointless war in Iraq? Frankly, it astounds me that we failed to pursue al Qaeda into the one place we know they went, particularly after Musharraf’s government started making deals with the very tribes who were sheltering bin Laden and his gang.

We are all old enough to remember a time (not necessarily over yet, thanks to Bush’s provocations of Russia) when a power existed that had the means, the method, and the motivation to annihilate the United States, and, of course, in turn be annihilated. The Cold War was a truly terrifying period in our history where we really were facing the end of our way of life, and perhaps that of the planet. To their credit, the Soviets were not religious fanatics nor crazy for some other reason, and so our stalemate held for decades. Against that potential, the means and methods available to terrorist units are so utterly paltry that it seems almost absurd to have tied up our entire military establishment to stop them. Our vulnerabilities seem to have increased as a result of following the Bush-Cheney doctrine. And our solutions to such vulnerabilities are clearly more educational, cultural, and economic than martial—something completely beyond the grasp of the phony macho cult in the White House.

If we really think we need the Middle East (and so long as we are addicted to their oil, that’s the sad fact), then we should be doing blitzkrieg attacks to modernize, secularize, and thoroughly democratize them through the means we handle best—the overpowering juggernaut of American material culture. But perhaps that is not realistic—after all, the most severely Islamic countries are highly resistant to Western ways, and the reason al Qaeda exists seems partly to be in reaction to the presence of corrupting values coming from our shores.

So perhaps a different tack is needed. I’d propose that if we could wean ourselves from Middle East oil—and I think it is doable if we could only commit at the Manhattan Project or Moon Landing level—then we could simply wash our hands of the entire region. If, ultimately, the Middle East does become a caliphate shaped around a 13th century orthodoxy, what bother to us is that? As it stands, even the most modern Islamic nations are so hobbled by their religious leaders, ridiculous world views, and pathological hatred and fear of Jews (a billion Muslims terrified of 15 million chosen people!) that not one of them can function as a truly modern industrial nation, nor field a military that could defeat Slovenia’s. If the US had no more need of their oil, and the mullahs and madrassas did come to control the future of the region, it would only regress into virtual irrelevance. With half their populations relegated to illiteracy and servitude (women) and their male citizens primarily educated in the broad teachings of an alleged prophet, and with the continuation of the Shiite/Sunni schism and the resultant squabbles over ever-shrinking resources, their version of civilization would be a threat only to itself. Without anything that anyone else needs, rather than entangling ourselves in the Islamic world’s insoluble problems, we could solve our own while eliminating a variable from our economy that has caused nothing but trouble for five decades.

As for “them” coming over here after us if we leave Iraq, I find the notion laughable. If we were no longer on their turf trying to make them all into good little Americans (and given our support of tyrannical regimes like Saudi Arabia, that hypocrisy is long overdue for retirement), they will have their hands full killing and converting each other, without the economic or technical means to even keep the water and electricity delivered. I expect that some of the more secular nations in the region may escape the collapse that will follow a return to talabanic orthodoxy, but they will be under constant threat of terror more than we shall be. After all, being an infidel is not nearly so sinful as having forsaken the one true faith. We may continue to be the great Satan, but to what purpose will blowing us up be if Arabs and Persians are defecting from Islam in pursuit of some semblance of 21st century living?

Soon! Don't Miss It!

Stay tuned for future tour dates! Coming soon to the collectivist concert halls near YOU! Click on the poster for your very own large copy suitable for power poles, elementary school bulletin boards, and corporate cubicles and message boards.

Gonzo As I See Him and How I'd Like to See Him

I couldn't resist messing with a news photo of Alberto "Torture Boy" Gonzalez and turning it into a rather artful (in my opinion) caricature. But I thought, you know, that it was somehow incomplete, as if Torture Boy really hadn't found his power spot at the Justice Department. With all the nasty revelations seeping out about GonzoGate, I suddenly could envision precisely where that power spot would be.

I think he looks quite properly in his place here, don't you?

On the Road to Capitalism

I guess I could plead that I've been woodshedding and that's why posting has been non-existent for a few weeks, so what the hell--I will plead that. You see, I realize that the key to any success in this market, any market, is branding. That's right--I've been developing Olaf as a brand. So I want to share four potential logos with you, and your votes will carry a great deal of weight.

Am I selling out to capitalism and the capitalists? Heh-heh-heh. Only Olaf knows.

Oh, and you can click on any one of the logos to get a larger version. Vote early, vote often.

Fearless Leader

I'm the Decider.
Mission Accomplished.
(Ain't I macho? I wonder if Angela Merkel's gonna serve that pig...)

Let's Cleanse the Palate

Jeez, that steaming pile is disturbing to look at, to be sure, but then I remember what prompted me to post it. However, to all of you, I apologize if your lunch was ruined. As a mea culpa, let me post some Citroen porno. Yeah, I know none of you share my love of these cars, but I saw one from the 1970s last week tooling down our main drag in town. This one pictured is a later model spotted in Prenzlauerberg (Berlin), but still wickedly seductive.

By the way, I may start uploading snippets of Olaf music, produced by the next big thing on the pop charts--Olaf Rotkohl and the Ratdogs. If you're into techno-reggae-trance-heavy metal-surf music, let me know. The Ratdogs will be pleased to hear you.

P.O.S., with apologies to Mr. Hanky

This single image summarizes the courage of the Democrats, the ethics, intelligence, and competence of the Republicans, and the ultimate destiny for this country without a major shift in the political tectonics.

If you don't concur, then read this piece on the "Cheney" Democrats. Shit.

Democrats: Party of Wimps

The reason I am a registered independent is because as much as I loathe the Republican Party for its arrogance, corruption, and incompetence, I equally loathe the Democrats for gutlessness. Just now I watched David Obey and Nancy Pelosi roll over and beg Chimpie not to beat them anymore. Disgusting.

The Democrats ought to be crucifying Bush and company for the catastrophe that they have created internationally and domestically, but instead they just grease their cheeks and grab their ankles--not because they have to, mind you, but only because its how they think an opposition fights.

Fuck you, Chimpie. And fuck you, Democratic Party. I hope you all burn in hell for all eternity.

The Last Thing Jerry Falwell Sees

Well, Mr. "Moral Majority"--I guess for you the debate is settled as to whether there is an afterlife.

Anne Coulter: Naked!

This explains a lot. I can't say that I'm surprised in the least, however.

Critical Moment in History Revisited and Revealed!

Was Olaf involved in the cover-up? How did Oliver Stone miss this one? To tell you the truth, I think I was only twelve years old at the time, so I'm as surprised as you at this newly discovered news photo from the Fort Worth Courier's archives. It's true that I had the goatee then--I was a bass clarinet student and idolized Eric Dolphy--but I don't remember being in Texas until some time later.

Of course, given the rash of alien abductions around here lately in the Southwest, particularly in the mountains (information about which is brutally suppressed), and the coincidental time and space displacements, anything is possible.

I've been given some mild scoldings about my failure to post in weeks, but I have to beg forgiveness for a couple of reasons. For one, I simply stand in awe at my own prowess at predicting the disasters that this administration would visit upon us, while simultaneously awed by the ability of these criminals to exceed even my worst imaginings. Looking back two years, I was then writing things that Mrs. Olaf and her family back East said were "too extreme" or at least "overstatements." I am now gratefully receiving the "You were right, we were wrong" admissions from that side of the clan, but it leaves only a taste of ash in my mouth. Watching the Republican "debate" tonight I am appalled to see that a whole new clutch of purveyors of stupidity and pandering is hoping to break the unprecedented Bush record of failure.

The second reason for not writing is that the urge to always include a photo or drawing has raised the bar for someone so visually uncreative as I, and frankly I just don't feel like lugging my camera around town. You see, it's an old Kodak digital unit, still quite capable but far too large and I just can't bring myself to spend $$$ on a new pocket-sized unit while this one still does the job. That's the trouble with being frugal and faithful to inanimate objects--a crippling neuroses to be sure.

Finally, my third excuse is that I have only a hazy memory of the last few weeks, and according to my sources, this in itself could be indication of alien abduction, particularly since I have vehemently denounced such claims as ridiculous fantasies of lonely souls or professional con artists. You see, my resistance to such ideas verifies them. Talk about your rhetorical fallacies!

But what if they're right? Is my DNA being spirited off to that other earthlike planet circling red dwarf sun Gliese 581? Do you realize that that would make me kind of a god there? Tres cool!

Anyway, I'll get my act together here in the next few days as I marshall my muses and furies to get back on that horse of vitriol and bombast.

So until the next posting--soon, soon, I promise--good night and sweet dreams.

A Small Fantasy

Oh, how I've come to love the music of Laura Veirs, even though Mrs. Olaf and I had to walk out of her performance at Tacheles in Berlin last August. You see, the club was about the size of your average living room, in what looked like a bombed-out cavern. There were so many people in the club that the temperature had risen 30 degrees above ambient, and yet even more people were coming in. We managed to grab a beer thanks to heroic mob plunging by yours truly, and then we stood for 45 minutes waiting for the opening act. More people surged in. The temperature got even higher. The only restroom lay on the far side of the space, and people were wedged up against the door. It was time for Laura Veirs.

Ms. Veirs and the Tortured Souls were late.

At last, after an hour and a half pressure cooking in that meat chamber, the band came on. Mrs. Olaf noted, "No fire suppression system in here." Did I mention that everyone, including us (out of self defense) was smoking? Although Mrs. Olaf is tall, she was squeezed in so tight that she could only catch glimpses of the stage. We were both drenched in sweat. More people squeezed in.

We lasted for two songs. I thought I would pass out. The air was blue and we were physically resisting attempts to reach the bar through us, until people were literally vaulting over the crowd to get a drink. I have never been in such a crush in my entire life. Somehow, through sheer determination, we pushed out through the mob and into the hallway, and thence into the cool summer evening.

"The 'Tortured Souls'?" Mrs. Olaf said. "How about the 'Tortured Audience'?"

And we both cracked up. We're just too old for that scene, and that's a shame because Ms. Veirs is a wonderful songwriter and a solid performer. It's just that this venue--compared to the previous evening when we'd sat in the Club b-flat, sipping single malt, beer chasers, and sitting within chatting distance of a fucking incredible quartet--was like a college exercise not unlike stuffing a Volkswagen that had been driven into a steam room.

But I still dig Laura Veirs, and someday, in my miserable fantasy existence, we're gigging together.

I still feel bad about leaving early. Sorry, Laura.

Happy Friday the 13th

Not a particularly auspicious day, I'd say. Good thing I've got a thick skull.

My Contribution to Global Warming

This is The Beast, which gets 14 mpg going uphill, downhill, loaded, empty, windward, leeward like some great constant of the Universe. Of course, it only gets driven two or three thousand miles per year, but I guess I've got some dues to pay. However, I have a question for the Bush administration whenever I fill the tank and it costs me $75.

How come gas isn't free, you assholes? I thought we were supposed to own the goddamned Middle East by now. And yet today a suicide bomber got into the Iraqi parliament in the Green Zone.

Meanwhile, Karl Rove seems to have misplaced his emails, and fellow boy genius architect of the Iraq War, Paul Wolfowitz, not satisfied with fucking up the military and relations with the rest of the world, aims to destroy even more of it through the World Bank.

In 231 years of U.S. history, I cannot find six consecutive years so filled with utter arrogance mixed thoroughly with absolute ignorance and expressed through total incompetence finely ground with dishonesty and corruption.

Mission accomplished.

When Is a Dick a Dick and not a Johnson?

One of my spies sent this in. I don't know the meaning of it, but it's worth a post.

Citroen Porn

Sorry about the hiatus, but I really haven't had much to say, partly because the insanity of the Bushits is so self-evident and partly because I've really not felt very witty or in the mood for biting, self-referential, bile-spewing rhetoric. Daisy (see previous post) was my editor-in-chief and primary muse--she was taciturn and quite economical with her comments, but when she voiced an opinion, it carried great weight. It's too, too quiet around here now.

So if you'll indulge me a little transitional period, I thought I'd share some of my favorite automobile pornography, which involves, naturally, Citroens. This little orange number struck me as a nearly perfect urban vehicle in terms of design. So far as I know, this model--the C3 Puriel--is not the greatest, mechanically speaking, and really, who needs a car in any city and country with good public transportation? Still, we're not likely to shift out of our American auto-addicted lifestyle soon, but using cute little bugs like this one could go a long way to cutting fuel use and restoring some fun to driving. And Dude, it's French.

No Friend More Loyal, None So Sweet Nor Kind

Daisy (1994-2007)

Rest in Peace

Hanging Chez Rotkohl

No peace, even at home. Sheesh.

A Tip for Ann Coulter

Inspired by Ann Coulter's remarks to applauding Republicans regarding John Edwards, I was going to write something about Ann Coulter, but I understand you have to go into rehab if you use the words "malignant cunt."

This sort of rhetorical trick is called praeteritio, in which you say something by saying you're not going to say it. For example, "Other people might call Ann Coulter a cancerous cadaverous cunt, but I wouldn't." Or, "I am not going to dignify those comments that Ann Coulter is a pus-filled running sore of a cunt."

See how it works? And Ann, you know you'd do a lot more good for the world if you'd work on your fellatio instead of your putrid praeteritio. God knows how your fellow fascistas could use some oral.

Walter Reed, Dick Cheney, and Scooter

The scandal at Walter Reed and in the care of veterans beyond inpatient status in the VA should not surprise anyone--it is yet another product of the utter incompetence of this administration. Given that Bush and Cheney both managed to avoid having to ever actually face these systems by evading their military obligations, it should come as no surprise that they are surprised to discover that the result of war is a long, long trail that far outlasts the memory of that war. My next-door neighbor had his spine severed in 1950 in the Korean War and has been wheelchair bound ever since. How many Americans even know there was a war on the Korean peninsula, or if they heard of it, how many could even give the dates for it? And yet John and veterans of that war and others who sacrificed life and limb and face the rest of their lives with injuries beyond most of our imaginations are our moral obligation for what we have asked of them.

Cheney had a blod clot today? He should have been put at the back of the VA queue for administration of his treatment, and that queue is currently a year deep. Bush had a growth on his face that needed removal and biopsy? Back of the queue, Jack. Congressman Shithead needs a rectal? End of the line until every fucking vet's case has been seen to first.

Unrealistic? Well, ask those vets with grave injuries who've waited as long as a year to receive their disability status, never mind payment.

Oh yeah--Scooter is guilty of felonies four time over. Time to flip on Cheney, Dude. He ain't worth one second of jail time. Think of your family, not to mention how happy we'd be to see Dickfuck sent up the river.

ITMFA

Both of 'em. Now.

Olaf's Workshop...and I'm Going Mad, I Fear

Let me get this straight--the Bush administration is funding Sunni and al Qaeda elements to reduce Shiite influence? Al Qaeda? If Seymour Hersh is right, this is the equivalent of the Iran-Contra affair combined with Watergate, only worse. Funneling money to the group responsible for 9/11? Jesus H. Christ--even I haven't been accused of anything that sick.

What the fuck is going on? And now Condi "Maximum Incompetence" Rice thinks Saddam was the equal of Hitler and that this fiasco in Iraq bears any resemblance to World War II?

Why isn't there a march on Washington?

Oh, the picture is of my bunker cum workshop where I hunker in the fetal position most days, glancing only briefly at my monitor to prevent head explosions. Just thought you'd like to picture me in my underground lair. I relocated here trying to cheer myself up after Chimpie's reelection, but it didn't do any good. He and his limitlessly incompetent and evil minions are still there. Maybe I'll go back to lining my cap with aluminum foil.

The vise and grinder are more useful than you can imagine. I've also got electrodes with nipple clamps, a bandsaw, a pre-1962 deep-fat fryer, and over two hundred pounds of reconstitutable chicken fat. Next project--periscope. If you've got any info on a WWII-vintage U-boat type, drop me a line. I'm also trying to get a good deal on bulk latex.

Not Worth the Mud Clogged in Harry's Boots

Unlike one "head of state" and his deranged veep who weasled their way through their military obligations when other young men and women were dying in the jungles of Vietnam in their stead, young Prince Harry understands the meaning of duty, comradeship, and leadership. Even as the British are winding down their involvement in this fiasco, this royal son will not shirk the service that no one would blame him for avoiding at this point. And one thing is for sure--Harry won't be stuffing socks into his crotch while playing dress-up warrior.

My hat's off to you son. Stay safe. Our "commander in chief" isn't fit to carry your dirty socks.

Why Politicians and Talking Heads in D.C. Are Very Nervous

I'll confess to an admittedly neurotic fear of clowns, which is not an uncommon malady. But south of the border, someone with an acute and more aggressive form of the same affliction has decided to do something about it. Since this story broke, many TV talking heads and a large number of politicos are strapping on body armor and cutting back on the makeup lest they be mistaken for Chucko, Bozo, or Slappy. Of course, every time one of them opens his or her mouth, the difference will still be hard to make clear to the gun-toting clown haters out there.

Definition of Idiocy

I have nothing to add to this Q & A at today's White House daily briefing with Tony Snowjob.

Q But this estimate was monumentally wrong. So would the President, knowing what he knows today, still have decided to go into Iraq?

MR. SNOW: Yes. The President believes that we did the right thing in going into Iraq.
...

Q Is the President being equally unrealistic about his current assessments of Iraq and Afghanistan?

MR. SNOW: No.

You can read the rest here. Delusions, madness, disaster. And still the Dems fear to act to stop this idiot and his criminal gang. I want to puke on the whole sorry lot of bastards in Washington.

White House Shocker!

It's true. Jenna digs Olaf. And her pappy is not happy. No, not because of what Olaf writes (do you honestly think Bush can navigate the web?). It's because he has one of "them furrin' names."

Who could blame her though? Olaf in a dinner jacket? Even Daniel Craig has to take a back seat to such a fine model dressed to the nines.

Of course, it could be the hat.

Olaf the Trendsetter

My god, I hope this isn't true, but it does point up that your pal Olaf knows where the next big cool is going to be. Brangelina may be moving to Berlin. As you know, Berlin is my favorite city on earth, and in my renewed lover affair with the place, I was especially pleased that it never seemed to show up on people's vacation or must-move-to list. My escape plans include several for the formerly divided city, particularly because it's relatively cheap to live there but mainly because I feel more at home there than almost any other urban setting, despite coming off as a rather stupid person when speaking my limited German. And stupidity, as Paul Westerberg sang, I call it freedom. There is something transcendentally liberating about being a foreigner.

But if this is indeed true, and Brad and Angelina are setting up house in Mitte, then once again I've loved and lost by failing to act on the attraction, much like all those lovely women whom I have loved but denied such knowledge to. Yes, I'm just a giant breaking heart, and now my beloved Berlin may be compromised by the attentions of these pretenders with the dough to buy giant flats in the heart of my city..

But I know something they don't--one Berlin winter and they'll be quits. Only the most depressed survive those, and I made it through four of them standing on my head. These days, I could survive a nuclear winter.

Recentering...

"The Only Band that Matters"

I've been listening a lot to these guys. I'd like to be in a tribute band to them, y'know? Even at my advanced age, I still like to crank it up and blow it out, and there is nothing like this when PLAYED LOUD!

So, dear friends, can you name the band? (It's right before your eyes, really.)

It's Not the Money That Bothers Me Most...

It's all those small brown paper bags it was handed out in. No wonder I had to start carrying my sandwich in my briefcase.

But seriously, what's a mere $12 billion bucks mislaid here or there when we're spending over $2.25 billion a week just to destroy our own country's reputation, economy, and moral authority? All you green eyeshade-types need to pry your fingers loose from your adding machines at look at the positive side of this: Chimpie's taking the money from those lousy poor and elderly. What better way to use it than to spend it blowing shit up and repealing the Bill of Rights?

There. Don't you feel better now?

Not Seventy-two Virgins, and not Eternal Cloud Lounging...

But it wouldn't be bad if heaven turned out like this.

He's Lucky Nobody Punched Him in the Face

This didn't make me laugh because it took over 3000 American lives to reach the middle of America, but Bush ought to be getting a good feel for what "his people" think of him and his incompetent, corrupt regime. Never mind the rest of us. Of a Bush "surprise" visit to a diner in Illinois this week, we have the following:

In Peoria this week, many patrons found their pancakes more interesting. Except for the click of news cameras and the clang of a dish from the kitchen, the quiet was deafening.

“Sorry to interrupt you,” Bush said to a group of women, who were sitting in a booth with their young kids. “How’s the service?” As Bush signed a few autographs and shook hands, a man sitting at the counter lit a cigarette and asked for more coffee. Another woman, eyeing Bush and his entourage, sighed heavily and went back to her paper. She was reading the obituaries. “Sorry to interrupt your breakfast,” a White House aide told her. “No problem,” she huffed, in a not-so-friendly way. “Life goes on, I guess.”

What if the cameras and secret service hadn't been around? Do you think anything has penetrated that thick skull yet? Maybe impeachment isn't so far away after all, if even in Peoria--Peoria!--it's all anyone can do to simply feign politeness.

Toast, toastie, toasted.

Please, Somebody, Save Me from Myself!

I've always had a touch of madness, but none so worrisome as my fetish for certain things French, and the main one among them (gasp!) is the Citroen DS automobile model made in the 1950s, 60s, and 70s. Last summer in Berlin I came face-to-face with a few, and to say that my heart nearly burst for the beauty and absolute unattainability of these gorgeous beasts is an understatement. I did indeed grow faint at one point and had to sit on a kerb simply drinking in the incredible lines of the sheet metal arcing like a haughty Gaelic sneer from bumper to bumper.

Then I saw one on my home streets last week. And now I find that there are some real Citroen nuts not so far away in California, and a whole subculture of Citroen freaks.

What am I to do? Please, please, please help me!

Measuring Madness by the Calendar

This picture was taken by Olaf on Saturday, January 23, 2003, in San Francisco, at the protest against war in Iraq before the invasion. That was now over four years ago.

And how long has it taken the naysayers, Dems and Repubs alike, to even begin to come around to see that we were right? How many dollars wasted? How many lives destroyed? Yet still they hesitate lest their political ambitions be thwarted.

The people must lead, or they will be cast into the cauldron by those who have the arrogance to take their lead from them through ignorance, fear, and suppression of reason.

Immortal Olaf? Well, Probably Not.

Oh, if only this were a fact of the landscape. Think how quickly the regime would shape up if confronted with thousands of these images in every city in the nation. One cannot help but wonder, what is the power of Olaf?

I hope someone sees the self-referential irony in this graffito-neato. Ain't I postmodern?

This Is How the Finger Actually Works

This individual happens to be protesting the ongoing ban on imports from Cuba, chiefly those lovely Cohiba cigars. Note that he holds icons representing the embargo in the frame with his squinty-eyed visage: the cigar burns slowly and deliciously and the ring is held pinched between his fingers asserting the origin and authenticity of the smoke. His right hand forms a proper "finger" in which the knuckles should frame the finger much like the carriage frames the barrel of a cannon. I'm really quite taken with the compositional balance of this photograph. It forms two triangles, yet puts the essential elements all along a single horizontal. The wristwatch pulls the eye across the action of the picture and the perfect head-on angle to a less-than-perfect face gives it a certain almost Gaellic disdain, despite that the model has not a drop of French blood running through him.

Oh, and if the customs people are thinking about pursuing this guy, the cigar was purchased and consumed legally in another country. And every puff was like a big "fuck you" to the Bush-Cheney cabal...or at least it felt that way. Please compare the weak method used by El Presidente (below) compared to the muscular mode of giving the finger employed by our cigar lover.

Ah, the small pleasures are what makes life worth living.

The Man with his Finger on the Button

Hey, American people! Fuck you! Ah'm goin' into Iran.

Veep Cheney may be still controlling the language and the policy of this deranged regime, but Junior still controls the magic finger, and that finger (No. That finger.) is only one secret service agent away from nuking his enemies, among whom a lot of us are now counted by virtue of our failure to worship his divinity. But Cheney's madness is articulate enough to continue to fool the 30 percent out there who still think Georgie is a terrific president. Here's an example:

Obviously, there was flawed intelligence prior to the war ... but we should not let the fact of past problems in that area lead us to ignore the threat we face today and in the future.

This sounds like a good argument, right? Of course, it's completely false reasoning, because NO ONE is suggesting we ignore the threats we face. I believe the rhetoricians call this the "straw man" fallacy. Note also that he's still blaming the intelligence--"there was flawed intelligence"--without acknowledging the filtering role he and his minions played in assuring that no contrary evidence to their predetermined plans to invade Iraq got traction in the White House. And let's not forget the unrelenting incompetence of their performance of the invasion, whether supported or not by intelligenge: no plan for occupation, no plan for establishment of civil authority, and no desire to think about anything except Chimpie in a crotch-enhanced flight suit in his ultimate dress-up fetish moment.

We've now reached the point where polls reveal that 58 percent of Americans just wish that the Bush regime was over. Well, wishing doesn't make it so. The criminality this cabal has committed is sufficient material to impeach, remove from office, indict, try, convict, and imprison them for the rest of their natural lives, after which time they will be handed over to Satan to be roasted and boiled alive throughout all eternity, but that is beyond the court's jurisdiction. I'll settle for impeachment and removal from power. Let the historians take care of the rest, or the court at the Hague.

This Is Your Brain. This Is Your Brain on Freud.

I love the smell of anxiety in the morning! Smells like...victory!

Media Crash

Ha! Big surprise--this administration considers Tim Russert as their boy, which was pretty obvious every time he had one of their number of his NBC-based "Press the Meat" television ass-kissing venue. Under the guise of "hard-hitting" journalist, I can concede Russert asks tough questions. But he falls down in the follow-up nearly every time, as if incapable of anticipating a lie and then challenging effectively. So he has Dick Cheney on, for example, poses what seems a pointed, grilling question, and then, when Cheney out-and-out lies, Russert simply goes on to the next topic rather than saying, "Say what, motherfucker? Don't bullshit me, bald man."

Liberal media, my ass. One of the reasons we're in such a state with regard to Iraq, not to mention just about every other arena, is that the press did not do their job. They should always be challenging the statements of people in power, forcing them to produce the evidence and the reasoning they are using upon it. Instead of being a counterweight to power, they acted as a megaphone for it, and had we not had the alternative media power of the Internet, I shudder to think of how much worse it might have been.

To give the mainstream media their due, it is true that their resources and skills uncover most of the news. They have the means, the money, the expertise, and there are some damned good journalists out there, but the media as a whole has become so beholden to economic interests on the one hand, and the "inside the beltway" press has become so interwoven with the power brokers on the other, that they are now of the same class, with the same interests, and with the same disregard for the general citizenry.

And I wish they would lay off Lindsay Lohan, for chrissakes. Jeez--let the young woman get her shit together. I think she's wonderfully talented. Yes, I do have a weakness for redheads. Is that a crime?

Um, ahem. Sorry. What I mean is that all this obsession for celebrity misdoings just sucks the energy away from stuff that really matters to people's actual lives. Who gives a fuck if two obnoxious media whores like Donald Trump and Rosie O'Donnell are having a bitch-slapping contest? Actually, that piece by Andy Borowitz is pretty damned funny.

The ongoing feud between Rosie O'Donnell and Donald Trump could have deadly consequences for the world if either obtained nuclear weapons, a group of leading nuclear scientists announced today.

The Chicago-based Bulletin of the Atomic Scientists, founded in 1945 as a publication by nuclear physicists worried about the possibility of nuclear war, expressed their concern about the Rosie-Trump brouhaha by moving the Doomsday Clock forward to three minutes to midnight.

It's Friday. What can I tell you?

YOU Will Live Blog SoTU!

I'm going to the movies with our neighbor (Children of Men, with movie popcorn for dinner). I sat through Chimpie's "surge" speech on Iraq, and if you expect me to remain even marginally civil, I can't do it again so soon. Have a little mercy, for heaven's sake.

So here's my proposal--you all live blog through the comments function on this post and get me up to date when I get back from the movie.

Otherwise, the next post after this photo will be of MY head exploding.

Not that that would have a deleterious effect on my thinking, of course.

Oh, and if you need a warm-up or a replacement SoTU, watch this. It will make your head explode, it's so goddamned funny. And the Dems response is even funnier.

Two of These Are Not Olaf

Can you figure out who's who? Vote now! You could be the big winner and get to watch the SoTU with one of these dudes!

Feel the Excitement? It's Almost Magic Time!

Oh, I don't know about you, but I'm about ready to pop knowing that Fearless Leader is about to address the nation on the State of the Union. I can't wait to hear the major leaps we've made toward detoxing from last year's declaration of our addiction to oil and our continuing escalation of success in Iraq. I'll be leaping to my feet as we learn about the great plans for universal health care and the rebirth of New Orleans as the major vacation spot in America. We'll learn of our other victories in the War on Drugs, the War on Poverty, War on Terror, and the War on Christmas. It's going to be such a glorious speech--I can just feel it. We'll once again know the true meaning of "compassionate conservatism" from the man who not only is "a uniter, not a divider," but also a "decider" who knows the meaning of "working hard for the American people" and who really knows when to surge, when to declare mission accomplished and when to admit his mistakes and correct his course, always with only our interests first and foremost in his thoughts and prayers.

And I think they're going to catch that Osama guy tonight, or so my sources tell me, because with Saddam dead we don't want to forget why we went into Iraq. Oh, wait...Osama's in Afghanistan or Pakistan, isn't he? Well, close enough.

The truly priceless thing will be to see Nancy Pelosi and Dick Cheney seated side by side in the spirit of true bipartisan love. And while Fearless (for other people's children) Leader runs through his litany of success, we'll get to watch the firm-handed opposition party jump to applaud his every declaration. It's exhilirating to be living in a democracy with such responsiveness to the will of the people.

I'll be popping popcorn and icing down the Pilsner Urquell. Come join me in our national celebration of truth, justice, and the American way!

As If He Wasn't Feeling Low Enough...

Poor, poor Chimpie. Not only does he have to suffer further party defections, the loss of the legislature, and an even more ignominious legacy than even the worst of us could have wished on him, now he has to suffer the greenness of extreme wannabe tyrant envy.

Venezuela's National Assembly has given initial approval to a bill granting President Hugo Chavez the power to rule by decree for 18 months.

And Chavez is a guy who we happily waved goodbye to within twenty-four hours of an unsuccessful coup to topple him, but he's certainly gotten the last laugh. Bush can only dream about ruling like a monarch, but Chavez is going to get to live that dream.

Mr Chavez said he wants to approve "revolutionary laws" to enact sweeping political, economic and social changes.

So did Bush, like shredding the Bill of Rights, waging eternal war, and looting the national treasury for the benefit of Uncle Dick's friends. There was just one little advantage that Chavez has over him.

Mr Chavez began his third term in office last week after a landslide election victory in December.

Even if Chimpie could run for a third term, a 29 percent favorable rating in the polls does not bode well for a Chavez-style victory. And as much as I've badmouthed the Democrats for spinelessness, at least they show up now and then.

Venezuela's political opposition has no representation in the National Assembly since it boycotted elections in 2005.

Yeah, instead of vilifying Chavez and supporting his ouster, it might have been better to buddy up to him and learn his secrets of success. Ah well, Bush has always managed to cultivate failure and defeat, even when the odds were totally in his favor. And there's the difference. Chavez is a winner. Bush is a loser.

And that's no endorsement for Chavez, but I must say he knows how to be a populist and he knows how to play his game. Let's hope he meets our best expectations for the people of Venezuela and the developing nations.

Tony Snow, Master of Rhetoric

Can you guess who's been hitting his notes from Introduction to English Composition?

"What message does Congress intend to give?" asked White House spokesman Tony Snow. "And who does it think the audience is? Is the audience merely the president? Is it the voting American public or, in an age of instant communication, is it also al-Qaida?"

Next, Mr. Snow asked, "And who's the author? What's the purpose?"

Answers: Iraq is a debacle, Chimpie, the American people via the last election, and to inform El Presidente that he is the biggest fuck-up in presidential history.

Oh, and Tony, a bit of advice: as a rhetorical strategy, associating defecting Republican legislators with al-Qaida sympathizers is a loser. It didn't work on the Democrats last year, so I'd like to know who your audience is: Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck? That's about all who you've got besides Laura and Barney. Saying you're either with us or with the enemy is, um, a false dichotomy. You could look it up.

More Mission Accomplished

You have to hand it to this administration--even I could not have predicted that rivers of shit would one day run through Baghdad.

Dr Abdul-Rahman Adil Ali of the Baghdad Health Directorate warned of the dire consequences of a non-operational sewage system.

"As the sewage system has collapsed, all residents are threatened with gastroenteritis, typhoid fever, cholera, diarrhoea and hepatitis. In some of Baghdad's poor neighbourhoods, people drink water which is mixed with sewage," Ali said.

But wait, as they say on the commercial, there's more! Four more Americans were slaughtered for Chimpie's vanity, along with at least another sixty-five Iraqis in Baghdad near a university. But have no fear. Dr. Condoleezza "Pinnacle of Competence" Rice is on the case! Here's part of her remarkable strategy:

In Saudi Arabia, Rice thanked her hosts for their past help in urging national reconciliation in Iraq, but did not press specific new requests for the predominantly Sunni kingdom's help.

After all, Saudi Arabia is Sunni, has lots of oil, and is allegedly our ally in the region (nevermind not a democracy), so why would Rice pressure them to help calm a Sunni vs Shiite bloodbath right next door? I tell you, her strategy is so fucking brilliant, I can't even figure it out. I mean, it's completely counterintuitive, and that's the genius of it. Just like the genius of everything to do with Iraq war.

I sure am glad we have these supersmart people who can interpret for us. Escalation is "augmentation." Failure is "success that hasn't happened yet." Rising violence in Afghanistan is a sign of sure victory. "Stay the course" means change the course, but of course, we never said "stay the course." And naturally, "we do not torture" means...well, if you're declared an enemy combatant, I'd say you'd better learn to hold your breath for a really, really long time.

Foucault, I can understand. The Chimperor administration? They're too damned smart for me.

Do I Get to Say, "I Told You So"?

You might accuse me of picking on Condi Rice for being an incompetent in every government job she's ever held, so let's just stick to recent history--her tenure as Secretary of State. Well, folks, even Robert "I finked out a CIA agent" Novak is reporting that Republicans line up on this issue with Olaf.

Republicans in Congress, who do not want to be quoted, tell me the State Department under Secretary Condoleezza Rice is a mess.

Rice leading the State Department into disaster was easily predictable given her previous tenure as national security advisor ("No one could have predicted...", etc.), but the persistence with which she has been promoted and applauded by the administration, the Republicans, and still by elements in the mainstream media who are terrified of challenging her for reasons that totally escape me, have enabled her to become a one-woman diplomatic wrecking machine. This, according to Novak, is why John "Honduran Death Squad" Negroponte was pressured to give up his intelligence czar job to become Rice's number two at State--he's supposed to bail her out so she can be reassigned to bring failure to some new arena.

I've got a suggestion--make her chair of the Republican National Campaign Committee for 2008.

Final thought--I wonder if Rice's failure at diplomatic duties is one reason that the administration decided on an escalation of military force. There may have been no alternative because she could not get a foot in the door with essential players in the region.

Not to Belabor the Point, But More Clear Evidence of Sociopathy

Now maybe Chimpie is not a sociopath, but actually a psychopath. I dunno--Wikipedia explained it to me thus:

The difference between sociopathy and psychopathy, according to Hare, may "reflect the users views on the origins and determinates of the disorder."Most sociologists, criminologists, and even some psychologists believe the disorder is caused by social conflicts, and thus prefer the term 'sociopath.' Those who believe as Hare does, that a combination of psychological, biological and genetic factors all contribute to the disorder are more likely to use the term 'psychopath'.

In either case, here is Bush's expression of responsibility.

"Where mistakes have been made, the responsibility rests with me," Bush said.

Note the passive construction in "mistakes have been made," and the corresponding avoidance of active responsibility in that it "rests with me." He simply is incapable, essentially physically and mentally incapable, of saying "I have failed." If he did, it would result in something I would love to see just once in my life: exploding head syndrome. I watch people yakking into their cell phones hoping that sooner or later one will detonate, but chances were better when the first Iridium satellite phones came out. That antenna looks like a stick of dynamite. Considering the power requirements for sending a signal skyward, direct to a satellite, eventually I'd expect a few splatter events.

But I digress. Mark Crispin Miller opined in his 2002 book that Bush's malapropisms and seeming paralysis with the English language was actually a manifestation of his sociopathic inability to admit error or blame. But because his name is Bush and not Rotkohl, rather than intervention and counseling, or at least detainment, he gets to express his sociopathy through the instrument of the presidency, and the blood and treasure he wastes on his illness is always someone else's, just like the blame.

War is not a therapeutic remedy. The only question seems to be, is Bush's behavior criminal or insane?

Live Blogging El Presidente's Hail Mary Pass

• What's the realistic sick joke here?
• Note the blue tie--a sop to Democrats?
• Who designed this backdrop? Some dickey-doo on the left edge of the screen looks like part of a hookah. Note the primary red theme in the bookshelves--sets off the dark suit.
• "The consequences of failure are clear." You're right, Chimpie. We see them every day, because failure has been occuring for quite a while now.
• Define "success." He talks as if only Baghdad matters. Is his plan to secure the city and cede the country?
• Oh, Christ--he wants to 'splain things to us.
• 18 Iraqi brigades plus local police patrolling Baghdad. Yes, there is definitely a positive precedent in the past 18 months.
• More than 20,000 Americans to be deployed, of which five brigades will embed with Iraqi units. There's something to look forward to.
  
• Why will this operation succeed? Because the "killers" realized that all they had to do was flow back into cleared areas. Does no one remember Vietnam?
• Ooooooh--a threat. Our commitment is not open-ended. "Now is the time to act." What we've just been fucking off for the last nearly four years?
• "...our television screens filled with death and murder." Hmmmm, why is that, I wonder?
• "...visible improvements to Iraqi neighborhoods." What the fuck was Halliburton, Brown and Root, Bechtel, et al doing all this time? Where's the money, dude?
• Speed the transition? Starting from what time?
• There, he admitted it--Iraq is on its way to becoming a base from which attacks on the U.S can be launched.
• 4000 military personnel for Anbar province. That should be pretty easy. It's only as big as North Carolina--roughly 53,000 square miles--and holds 1.4 million people. So that's, um, one additional GI per 13 sq. miles. That should settle the place down.
  
• Oh goody! Condi Rice is heading for Iraq on Friday. She's so competent...well, except for ignoring the "Bin Laden Determined to Attack U.S." PDB, and admitting to never imagining someone using planes to attack buildings, and failing to show any progress anywhere on the diplomatic front in the Middle East. Yeah, she's perfect.
• The insurgents are without conscience? What about a sociopathic president who cannot say, "I screwed up"?
• Victory won't look like what our fathers experienced? I get it--we redefine victory to resemble Iraq as it is today. Hooray! We won!
• A withdrawal would cause mass deaths on an unimaginable scale? Yeah, the scale so far was expected, right?
• Oh, so now it's the Democrats who are failing to provide a solution. And he praises Lieberman, big surprise. God, how Joe must feel like he mistook an anchor for a life preserver when he tied his wagon to Bush's star. It's fun watching Joe-mentum slow into reverse.
• "...worthy of their sacrifice." How dare this AWOL jerkoff tell us about "sacrifice."
  
• What a fucking worthless 20 minutes. Now for screaming head analysis which will yield exactly zero light--more of my life down the drain. Only Olbermann has anything thoughtful to offer. Matthews makes me puke--I think of how lavishly and shamelessly he used to praise Bush. Some analyst.
• I gotta go throw up.

My Dream for Tomorrow Night

Tomorrow, of course, is when El Bushito will unveil his "surge and accelerate" plan, this being a Rovism for "blame someone else," or a clumsy translation for "decent interval," which was war criminal Kissinger's immortal contribution to egocentric ass-covering.

My dream is that near and far, from the rural open spaces and the urban crush, from the north and south, from the red states and from the blue states, a swelling mass of Americans take to the streets. I think of Yugoslavia in 2000, when the population of Serbs "surged and accelerated" into the streets of Belgrade to demand that another war criminal of the 20th century, Slobodan Milosevic, get out of the presidential palace, and yield to the demonstrated will of the people, who had elected Vojislav Kostunica to replace him. Milosevic was at the point of ordering the army to shoot his countrymen in order to retain power.

"Gotov je!" the thousands shouted in the streets in Serb0-Croatian. "He's finished!"

The army sided with the people. Milosevic was out.

Now we confront an American president with a very recent Gallup poll putting his handling of Iraq at 26 percent. He faces objection to his plan by 30 percent of his own party, and 85 percent of the opposition. He has demonstrated that he will lie, that he cares little for the Constitution, and that he believes himself to possess an imperial right to strip citizens of their rights to privacy, to illegal search and seizure, to even deny their citizenship, and that he believes he has the power to subject them to torture on his orders.

Imagine if, during his speech, there was heard in the background a low and distant hum. Slowly it would begin to increase and gain a rhythm. It would start to thrum against the walls of the White House, and crystal in the dining room would begin to tinkle as though an earthquake was commencing from deep beneath the earth's crust. Soon, even the directional microphones pointed at Bush could not filter out the now-deafening shouts of tens of thousands of people jamming the streets outside.

"He's finished! Get out! You're finished! Get out!"

That is my dream.

Trivia Quick Quiz

Question: What do Joey Buttafuoco and Lynne Cheney have in common?

Answer: They both had sex with people who shot someone in the face.

Take cover, folks. Dickie's on the hunt again, this time in Pennsylvania.

New! Olaf Goes Visual!

I stumbled upon some pictures from a trip to Prague two summers ago, and that made me think of my digital camera, which I ought to carry more often to document items and people of interest that might support, detract, or render irrelevant the text that I erratically bonk out here at Olaf World HQ. Actually, I do occasionally stumble on some worthwhile images and why not share them with Olaf's massive readership (I'm hopeful, I'm hopeful)? Given the unimaginably high standard of literary intelligence that you all have exhibited, why not cleanse the intellectual palette with a few snaps now and then?

So here is a Czech take on our illustrious El Presidente for your delectation and dissection. Funny how much I've come to love good graffiti, in spite of all the lame shit that litters the urban, suburban, and (worst) rural landscape.

More to come.

You All Know Some Guy Like Him

Bush's pathology is nothing complicated.

He's simply the dumb guy who truly believes he is smarter than everybody else.

Why else would he insist on forcing through his "New Way Forward" in Iraq against the will of Congress, many of his own military commanders, and even members of his own party? Of course, behind Bush, we have to remind ourselves, is Karl Rove. He hasn't gone anywhere, except underground, but you can be sure he's cheerleading Chimpie into thinking that he's just so much more of a visionary than anyone can give him credit for (excepting a few diehard bootlickers), that he can interpret all opposition as coming from people too unenlightened to realize his uncanny genius.

Except that his genius lies in his ability to fuck up not just anything, but everything. Because, in the back of that withered seed of his brain, Chimpie is enough of a sociopath to want to take the whole country down with him if it won't recognize his genius. He's now in the extreme end of the Bunker Mentality, and thus he is now at his most dangerous. This final stage will be marked by a Bush accusation that the nation is too weak-willed to join him on the route to paradise, and so he will have to make them pay for their betrayal.

As a sociopath, he cannot admit error, cannot admit failure, cannot assume any point of view other than his own. He's the guy in the company who's out of step and, like Lou Costello in Abbott and Costello in the Foreign Legion, claims it's the other 199 guys who are out of step with him. The trouble is that this time it's not funny.

I could be wrong, of course. Bush could just be a guy so dumb that no one can explain to him how dumb he is.

Especially those 59 million suckers who voted for him again in 2004. Yeah, now who is dumb?