As If He Wasn't Feeling Low Enough...

Poor, poor Chimpie. Not only does he have to suffer further party defections, the loss of the legislature, and an even more ignominious legacy than even the worst of us could have wished on him, now he has to suffer the greenness of extreme wannabe tyrant envy.

Venezuela's National Assembly has given initial approval to a bill granting President Hugo Chavez the power to rule by decree for 18 months.

And Chavez is a guy who we happily waved goodbye to within twenty-four hours of an unsuccessful coup to topple him, but he's certainly gotten the last laugh. Bush can only dream about ruling like a monarch, but Chavez is going to get to live that dream.

Mr Chavez said he wants to approve "revolutionary laws" to enact sweeping political, economic and social changes.

So did Bush, like shredding the Bill of Rights, waging eternal war, and looting the national treasury for the benefit of Uncle Dick's friends. There was just one little advantage that Chavez has over him.

Mr Chavez began his third term in office last week after a landslide election victory in December.

Even if Chimpie could run for a third term, a 29 percent favorable rating in the polls does not bode well for a Chavez-style victory. And as much as I've badmouthed the Democrats for spinelessness, at least they show up now and then.

Venezuela's political opposition has no representation in the National Assembly since it boycotted elections in 2005.

Yeah, instead of vilifying Chavez and supporting his ouster, it might have been better to buddy up to him and learn his secrets of success. Ah well, Bush has always managed to cultivate failure and defeat, even when the odds were totally in his favor. And there's the difference. Chavez is a winner. Bush is a loser.

And that's no endorsement for Chavez, but I must say he knows how to be a populist and he knows how to play his game. Let's hope he meets our best expectations for the people of Venezuela and the developing nations.

Tony Snow, Master of Rhetoric

Can you guess who's been hitting his notes from Introduction to English Composition?

"What message does Congress intend to give?" asked White House spokesman Tony Snow. "And who does it think the audience is? Is the audience merely the president? Is it the voting American public or, in an age of instant communication, is it also al-Qaida?"

Next, Mr. Snow asked, "And who's the author? What's the purpose?"

Answers: Iraq is a debacle, Chimpie, the American people via the last election, and to inform El Presidente that he is the biggest fuck-up in presidential history.

Oh, and Tony, a bit of advice: as a rhetorical strategy, associating defecting Republican legislators with al-Qaida sympathizers is a loser. It didn't work on the Democrats last year, so I'd like to know who your audience is: Rush Limbaugh and Glenn Beck? That's about all who you've got besides Laura and Barney. Saying you're either with us or with the enemy is, um, a false dichotomy. You could look it up.

More Mission Accomplished

You have to hand it to this administration--even I could not have predicted that rivers of shit would one day run through Baghdad.

Dr Abdul-Rahman Adil Ali of the Baghdad Health Directorate warned of the dire consequences of a non-operational sewage system.

"As the sewage system has collapsed, all residents are threatened with gastroenteritis, typhoid fever, cholera, diarrhoea and hepatitis. In some of Baghdad's poor neighbourhoods, people drink water which is mixed with sewage," Ali said.

But wait, as they say on the commercial, there's more! Four more Americans were slaughtered for Chimpie's vanity, along with at least another sixty-five Iraqis in Baghdad near a university. But have no fear. Dr. Condoleezza "Pinnacle of Competence" Rice is on the case! Here's part of her remarkable strategy:

In Saudi Arabia, Rice thanked her hosts for their past help in urging national reconciliation in Iraq, but did not press specific new requests for the predominantly Sunni kingdom's help.

After all, Saudi Arabia is Sunni, has lots of oil, and is allegedly our ally in the region (nevermind not a democracy), so why would Rice pressure them to help calm a Sunni vs Shiite bloodbath right next door? I tell you, her strategy is so fucking brilliant, I can't even figure it out. I mean, it's completely counterintuitive, and that's the genius of it. Just like the genius of everything to do with Iraq war.

I sure am glad we have these supersmart people who can interpret for us. Escalation is "augmentation." Failure is "success that hasn't happened yet." Rising violence in Afghanistan is a sign of sure victory. "Stay the course" means change the course, but of course, we never said "stay the course." And naturally, "we do not torture" means...well, if you're declared an enemy combatant, I'd say you'd better learn to hold your breath for a really, really long time.

Foucault, I can understand. The Chimperor administration? They're too damned smart for me.