It's Sad How Limited the Sexual Imagination of Alabama Legislators Is

Here's the language of the statute banning sex toys:

"It shall be unlawful for any person to knowingly distribute, possess with intent to distribute, or offer or agree to distribute obscene material or any device designed or marketed as useful primarily for the stimulation of human genital organs..."

What I like is that to be illegal it must be "useful primarily" to get you off, so a bong, let's say, in the shape of a phallus would be okay so long as you toke first and poke second. I'm sure that a lot of vegetable, candle, showerhead, telephone, flashlight, raw liver, religious statue, etc. purveyors are breathing easier to know that.

One has to be grateful that it also says "designed or marketed" and does not specify intent of use, which pretty much takes the burden off the poor user. I don't know whether Alabama's lawmakers didn't think of that, or didn't understand that if people want to get off, they sure as hell can do it without equipment specifically designed or marketed for that purpose.

Note that it specifies "human genital organs," so if you're buying or selling toys for yaks, chickens, or Siamese fighting fish stimulation, you're cool with the Heart of Dixie.

Potential business opportunity: market kits that can be built into either nasal hair trimmers or personal vibrators, depending on the builder's intent. Or, sex toys for animals, labeled boldly, "NOT FOR USE ON HUMAN GENITAL ORGANS. CONFORMS TO ALABAMA LAW."

Off to the workshop.