This YouTube Video Is Funny!

Oh man! NashvilleNancy is a hoot. Enjoy this McCain tribute!

"You're All Gonna Die...

...before ah admit ah was wrong!"

It's Chimpie-in-Charge! Happy 5th anniversary!

Lookit Them Peasants, Bernie...

"Between the two of us, Bernie, we done fucked up this country but good."

"Yes, Mr. President. Thank you for the opportunity to further enrich my friends and destroy the middle class."

"Don't mention it, Bernie. Iraq will seem like a picnic when ah git done destroyin' this economy. Them damn people have misunderestimated me for the last time."

Here's to Foreign Policy and War Experience

I hope by now the whole country is aware of this gaffe, if indeed it was a gaffe.

Mr. McCain said several times in his visit to Jordan — in a news conference and in a radio interview — that he was concerned that Iran was training Al Qaeda in Iraq. The United States believes that Iran, a Shiite country, has been training and financing Shiite extremists in Iraq, but not Al Qaeda, which is a Sunni insurgent group.

Mr. McCain said at a news conference in Amman that he continued to be concerned about Iranians “taking Al Qaeda into Iran, training them and sending them back.” Asked about that statement, Mr. McCain said: “Well, it’s common knowledge and has been reported in the media that Al Qaeda is going back into Iran and receiving training and are coming back into Iraq from Iran. That’s well known. And it’s unfortunate.”

It was not until he got a quiet word of correction in his ear from Senator Joseph I. Lieberman of Connecticut, who was traveling with Mr. McCain as part of a Congressional delegation on a nearly weeklong trip, that Mr. McCain corrected himself.

I can understand a slip of the tongue, saying one thing while thinking another, but this assertion by McCain occurred more than once over two days, having been uttered on a radio show as well. Here's McCain's own press release:

In a press conference today, John McCain misspoke and immediately corrected himself by stating that Iran is in fact supporting radical Islamic extremists in Iraq, not Al Qaeda -- as the transcript shows. Democrats have launched political attacks today because they know the American people have deep concerns about their candidates' judgment and readiness to lead as commander in chief.

On its face, this is a bullshit statement--McCain didn't correct himself; Lieberman corrected him. We have already endured seven long years of massive and destructive fuckups by a similarly addled mind and goddamn it we need to have a chief executive who is lucid, quick on his/her feet, and knows the details of the region and people where we are at war. To untangle the rats' nest of foreign policy idiocy, economic policy incompetence, and constitutional dismemberment we cannot afford anyone who is marginal on any aspect of what is vital to our nation.

Dollar Hits New Low, Oil Hits New High, and Who Benefits?

Vladimir is sittin' on top of the world. Russia has a new prez, who happens to be Vlad's protege, and Vlad himself will be the next prime minister. Russia has more oil, gold, platinum, and other commodities than it can export and the Russian people seem to enjoy living under this authoritarian regime. And investment money is flooding in to help build a solid business infrastructure.

Funny how less than ten years after a financial collapse in Russia, they are now lending us money. Like him or hate him, there is no question that Putin has turned Russia around from being a basket case heading into third-world status into becoming a powerhouse in the global economy. But the astonishing turnaround is all the more startling when contrasted with the consequent incompetence nearly across the board in gross mismanagement of the US economy.

When George Bush said he looked into Putin's soul, you know what I think he saw? I thing he saw that he was fucked. Putin is smarter and tougher than Bush ever dreamed of becoming and he has proved it by somehow reconfiguring the wreckage of the former Soviet Union into the new Russia.

Let me emphasize that I am not endorsing authoritarianism, but I wonder what the fate of Russia would have been otherwise? Putin brooks no opposition, and his coldness at the murder of journalist Anna Politskaya was frightening, not to mention what he's done in Chechnya. But the KGB didn't create cream puffs, and Putin, rather than clinging to failed ideologies or fantasies of godly redemption through Jesus, grasps the fundamental laws of power and wealth. That's pragmatism writ large--he may have been a commie, but he was a Russian first.

And we have played right into his global plan. Bush hasn't got a fucking clue what terrible damage he's done to this country, and he's even more numb when it comes to the growing power of our former nemesis.

Bush is Vlad's little bitch.

With Friends Like These...Deadly Embrace #2

That's the expected Republican presidential nominee on the left, and on the right is another Repug who is likely going down the river to the Big House for a long, long time.

Naturally, McCain is not responsible for the actions of his campaign's co-chairs, but goddamn is it delicious that one of the major scumbags in Congress, Rick Renzi (R-AZ district 1) has been indicted on 35 counts in a 26-page indictment issued by federal prosecutors today, including charges of extortion, embezzlement, money laundering, and wire fraud. Given that Olaf and family have had to endure this weasel as our representative in Washington, and that we actively picketed and protested outside his campaign office for his racist and generally filthy tactics in getting elected, this is a welcome exposure to yet another example of "Republican values."

Renzi is an interesting pathological case: former collegiate football star with a bachelor's degree in fucking criminal justice, fer chrissakes, with twelve(!!!) children, who owns a company called "Patriot Insurance" from which he is now charged with embezzlement of nearly $400,000 dollars of clients' money in addition to the shit he allegedly pulled while in office. I mean, extortion? Not even Duke Cunningham (R, CA), now serving 12 years in the penitentiary for crooked dealings, went that far.

So that's why Johnny-boy is not looking so good in this photo. Not even nominated yet and it's already coming down around him.

As for Ricky, it's time to put away those tight jeans you favor so much. Don't want to attract too much attention in the cell bloc.

Deadly Embrace

Today John McCain received George Herbert Walker Bush's endorsement, and in return McCain said he'd be honored to receive Junior's as well. It certainly couldn't be any sweeter than this moment in 2004 when the "maverick" McCain gave much love to GW. Makes your heart swell, doesn't it?

I can only hope that this photo (the original, anyway--not Olaf's modest interpretation) becomes a staple of the Democratic campaign, to remind every American exactly what the connection is between these last seven years in Bushworld and what we ought to expect from a Republican successor.

It's really pretty disgusting, isn't it? The smug look on Junior's face and the way McCain nuzzles him? And the irony of course is that despite this, the Limbaughs and Coulters and their wingnuttery parade still won't support him until he further diminishes himself by licking their jackboots.

Which is actually pretty delightful sight to consider witnessing.

Of course, the Repugs will yammer endlessly on McCain's years in the Hanoi Hilton in an attempt to make him unassailable, but I don't think that that is going to work in the face of an eroding economy. Besides, as much as Ann Coulter hates McCain, I'm just waiting for her to say something like he had himself shot down over North Vietnam as part of a long-term plan to gain the presidency. And Limbaugh may well repeat the accusations made by Karl Rove's machine in 2000.

Did they do anything less to John Kerry in 2004? Did they do anything less to McCain himself in South Carolina in the 2000 Repug primary?

Here's hoping it turns into a cannibal carnival in the GOP!

State of the Union

Three thousand nine hundred forty dead Americans and counting. Rather an expensive crotch enhancement, you goddamned idiot.

Market Meltdown or the Chance of a Lifetime?

Indeed--how long is now, because sometimes you just don't want to face what's coming in the morning.

Oh, man, tomorrow is going to be nasty in the stock market. As I write this, Dow futures are down 500 points (!) and European and Asian stocks have gotten hammered today, which is another indicator of a bloodbath on Wall Street in the morning.

But is this a bad thing?

If you're a new investor, perhaps with some cash you've been saving, the whole market is essentially going on sale. In fact, the more it falls, the more you can buy. The question is, however, when to get in? Where is the bottom? Which sectors will bounce back first? Will any sectors bounce back?

In other words, is this the normal capitalistic cycle that tends to destroy working and middle class lives to the enrichment of the top one percent, or a full-blown depression that can even punish some of the less well-advised rich classes?

Just don't stand under any open windows in the financial district tomorrow.

In my own gut I'm weirdly optimistic, but that might be just that there is entertainment value in watching CNBC during such volatile, downward activity and thinking that I might be, for once in my sorry life, right about how seriously bad this is going to be. No, it's not all schadenfreude, because however much the super-rich are hurt, they'll remain at least regular-rich while many good people are going to really suffer. But there are a lot of young folks who are going to get their revenge on my generation by buying into a market at their elders' expense. As Baby Boomers are now retiring and redeeming their investments for something to live on, their collapsing equity will be a bargain for those looking twenty or thirty years down the road.

There is a problem, however, with holding cash on the sidelines if it's in dollars--although the slide against the Euro may have slowed, our national indebtedness to foreign lenders makes me very nervous because those dollars could actually lose value, making European stocks more expensive, erasing their advantage. (Please understand that I think the EU is the underreported powerhouse in the world, and far less dependent on US economic health than Asia.)

It's one thing when the out-of-power (even when in-power) Democrats talk about stimulus packages and nobody pays attention. But things have gotten so dire that even Bush has now come out of his sedated state long enough to want to dump $145 billion into the economy via tax rebates. Despite that, the international markets are not mollified. People are freaking out. Let's just hope it's a buying opportunity for us little guys and not a rapid descent into global economic turmoil a la 1929.

The Torment Continues

Actually, I jest. Watching the Repugs continue their assaults on one another is better than football, so I'm glad Mitt won in Michigan. So to recap, Huckabee takes Iowa, McCain gets New Hampshire, and Romney wins Michigan. After Nevada the real stabfest will commence in South Carolina. Remember what Rove and the Bushits did to McCain in 2000?

I'm popping the popcorn now. It's going to be a delightful bloodbath.

The Bull Market Is Dead. Long Live the Bullshit Economy.

The tech bubble burst in 2001. The housing bubble burst in 2007. The dollar is prevented from falling further by all the foreign debt holders who would like to cash out but can't because it would cause a panic on the dollar and a subsequent collapse of the value of their holdings. The Fed is hinting at lower interest rates to free up some capital.

What we need, of course, is another bubble to obscure the housing pop. For a fascinating and likely prescient article on what lies ahead, I recommend you read "The Next Bubble" by Eric Janszen in the February 2008 issue of Harper's Magazine, available at your local newsstand (although you should really be a subscriber). Janszen sees in the sudden hype over alternative and green energy initiatives to modify tax laws and create new financial instruments the creation of the next bubble, and my aim is this time to get in early, not be greedy, and bug out with a nice gain, even if it's quite modest by the standards of most Wall Street types.

I'm thinking of European alternative energy companies so that at least the investments and returns are in more stable Euros, and also because the Europeans seem to be much more serious about the technology. My suspicion is demand in this country will drive a serious importation of Euro-tech equipment and software.

Forgive me for writing of economic matters--they're pretty dull--but Janszen's article really got me thinking about how to profit from these tulip-bulb manias rather than just watching them from the sidelines. I got burned a little in the tech meltdown, but knew better than to have anything to do with the real estate insanity theses last few years, despite being a little tempted by the ridiculous gains that were made by those who got in and then out in the meaty part of that inflated curve.

We're in a deeply disturbing cycle of denial and unreasonable optimism as each "next new thing" arises and sucks yet more wealth from the working classes into the tax-favored holdings of the few who know how to play the game, and who, in fact, control the game. I don't think it's any accident that economic education is wholly absent from the public school curricula.

Read the article. Read it twice. Think it over. If possible, play the game with the odds on your side.

Uh, I Think It's Snowing

Two hours to shovel out the driveway and cut a path for the mail carrier, but under a clear blue sky. Then Dorothy and I went for a lovely walk, or rather, I walked and Dorothy porpoised, occasionally coming up for air. Ain't she cute?

Tomorrow is the New Hampshire primary, but why should it matter? Until the lobbyists have a fire hose turned on them, flushing them out of the Capitol, it'll be politics as usual. We are a corporation, not a country, and the hope of Obama or the experience of Hilary, or the battle-tested courtroom skills of Edwards won't make a damn difference. Add onto that that ABC banned Dennis Kucinich from a Democratic debate and Fox News (sic) banned Ron Paul from that of the Republicans, and the idea of a marketplace of ideas, free and fair elections, blah, blah, blah, just gets pounded further into dust. We don't even get a chance to hear views that don't fit into a narrow and mistaken idea of what America could be.

I'm cold and tired, so I ain't got more to say at the moment. I'm just going to enjoy Dorothy's adorability.

Happy New Year 2008!

All the best to you from Olaf, family, friends, and critters. Let's close the book on 2007 and make 2008 a year worth smiling over.

Got Those After Xmas Blues?

You're not alone, friend. You're not alone.

Your Good Big Brother Is Still With You

At the interstice between Xmas and New Years Day, it is good to remember that Olaf is watching over all things, even if he has been, um, delinquent in his postings lately. Perhaps 2008 will open new vistas or give him a clonk on the head so fucking serious that he will rave like the madman he truly wants to be. God knows there are many who would love to do some clonking on Olaf. For those of you in this corner of the Southwest, line up and I'll open my noggin to ya. No pointed objects, please.

With the assassination of Benazir Bhutto, suddenly Iraq recedes into the misadventure it has always been (never a threat) and Afghanistan, which squirted away thanks to the Iraqi distraction is now, along with the border region in Pakistan, hosting ever more Taliban. Pakistan immediately takes front and center, and here are the sobering facts. Pakistan is the sixth largest country in the world (bigger than Russia, as Joe Biden pointed out today) and they have nukes now, not in some uncertain and distant future like Iran. Their dispute with India over Kashmir and the bloody past mixed in with a potential political collapse if Musharraf goes the way of Ms. Bhutto's father or his murderers, Zia al Haq, could be the start of the first thermonuclear exchange. Heaven help us if that erupts.

Bombing the shit out of Iran doesn't seem so important or smart against backdrop, does it? But I'll just wager that Bush and Cheney are using this assassination in Pakistan as a veil under which to advance all their plans to do just that. Why?

I wish I knew, but they are nothing if not determined, even if it is by now driven only by madness.

Actually, however, I'm actually in a pretty good mood, despite the grim visage above. In my spare time I've been laying down tracks on what I think may be a pretty good tune, a rather upbeat thing with a nice swing to it. Don't have a title yet.

Happy New Year, y'all.

One Solution to the Television Writers' Strike

After we are all done stressing out to the max for the holidays, after all our family dramas have been thoroughly heated in the pressure cooker of our "perfect Xmas" mythology and all the sibling and parental issues have resurrected their ugly heads even though we've all been successful at playing grown-ups for decades, what are we left to do?

Well, sit back down in front of your new 56" HDTV and get ready for the second half of the season. Unfortunately, the writers are on strike, and speaking for myself, I don't think I can bear any more "reality" television that revolves around skanky love (Rock of Love, A Shot at Love with Tila Tequila, I Love New York 2, The Real World, etc.) without becoming a serious threat to civilized society.

But I was gratified to learn of a pilot for a really real reality show: Gitmo TV, a secret photograph I was able to cadge thanks to a lead from a favorite streetwalker along Rosenthalerstrasse, who directed me to a secret group of offices where the program is being hatched. It's in Berlin due to concerns of secrecy. Here's the concept.

In the first two episodes we will get to know twelve inmates at Gitmo, eleven of whom are innocent Afghan, Somali, Yemeni, and Iraqi shopkeepers and peasants, but one of whom is a seriously ambitious al Qaeda member with visions of 72 virgins dancing in his head. The identity of the al Qaeda member is unknown to anyone except the show's producer. Each week, the inmates will be given challenges, both in teams and as individuals. And every week, depending on the outcome and the discussion among the judges (a Cuban, an evangelical death penalty advocate, an atheistic alcoholic, an Islamic mullah, a devout Mormon, and a secular Jew), the audience will vote by phone ($0.90 per call) for which one of the inmates will be selected for various "repugnant acts," in the words of newly minted US Attorney General Mukasey, which might or might not constitute torture, like waterboarding ("It's like swimming," according to Senator Kit Bond (R-his own ass)), electric shock, freestyle Tasering, rumping with a broomstick, and other recreational activities.

All of this, of course, will be shot in High Definition Television with previously unused technology like "Invadocam" that can show the introduction of the "Giuliani broom handle" into the rectum of a losing inmate.

The final episode, of course, will result in the execution of an inmate as the "true terrorist" as selected by the viewing audience in a manner also to be selected by the viewing audience for the ultimate in democratic action in national security. I don't think Big Brother, the Amazing Race, or Survivor will ever be the same again after this.

You saw it here first.

"Chimpie" Is Retired

Regards and props to Dumb Drum Guy for spurring me into posting again. It's good to know you're out there. Thanks, man!

Now to bidness, as they say in Crawford, Texas.

After receiving the following letter accompanied by the photo of its author at home, above, I wish to offer my sincere apologies to the simian brother- and sisterhood for any offense. I am deeply, deeply sorry that I was so thick-headed that I could not see the obvious problem with the term "Chimpie." Here's the letter:

Dear Mr. Rotkohl,

First, let me say that I am a fan and, although I only rarely post comments, I keep your blog on my bookmarks list and check it regularly. Even my wife finds you amusing at times, and even informative now and then. However, there is a matter that I can no long keep my silence over, and now that you have my photograph, you may understand why.

I do recognize the resemblance between my species and the president, but while it may seem to be a comic reference in some contexts, it begins to wear rather thin, especially after nearly seven years of increasing criminality, incompetence, and dishonesty coming from this White House. Now, whenever I see "Chimpie" in your posts, I cringe to think that anyone would begin to think that we are somehow responsible for this particular simian dunce in the Oval Office. It's true we share nearly 99 percent of our DNA with your species, but that gives no license for you or anyone to slander us or any of the other great apes with responsibility for having produced this specimen.

This is not an issue of political correctness, as I hope you will see having received this letter. I doubt you have had much contact with chimpanzees on a close, one-to-one level, so I hope that it is only an oversight and a failure of your otherwise compassionate nature to make this nickname a handle for the president.

But don't stop hammering these people! They have fucked up our world too, you know.

Keep it real, Dude!

Sincerely,

Arthur M. de Saussure, PhD
Washington, D.C.

Global Warming May Be Bad, But It Gets Worse

I had to change into my cool yellow HazMat suit for this one. As you may have heard, the United Nations report on climate change is none too cheerful, and even as gloomy as it is, there is speculation that it is still too optimistic and that things are going to get far worse much quicker than is being reported. I understand the need for caution--we don't want global panic. But on the other hand, I feel it is my duty to my reader(s), which although declining (the number of my readers, not my duty) to reveal the heretofore hidden portions of the report.

So grab your favorite beverage, make it a double, then double that, and sit down for a minute. Here's what no one is telling you until now.

Godzilla is coming back. And this time, he's bringing his homies: the Giant Behemoth, Mothra, and Rodan. The increase in ocean temperatures has re-stimulated the regeneration capabilities of these various monsters' remaining parts in the various watery areas of the world where they have lain for several decades. Not since the nuclear bomb testing in the Pacific at places like Enewetak, Bikini Atoll, and Christmas Island has this phenomenon occurred, and the disaster that awaits us when these beasts arise from the seas will make global warming seem only a minor inconvenient truth. What's a hurricane compared to 20,000 tons of angry lizard who breathes radioactive fire? What's FEMA gonna do about that, eh?

Let me point out that one of the primary effects of Godzilla's radioactive breath is electromagnetic pulse (EMP), which will disable anything within range that contains microprocessors, and that means just about everything these days--automobiles, aircraft, communication systems, ovens, all computers of course, and even heart pacemakers (Sorry, Dick, but sometimes being an evil cyborg does have its disadvantages).

Stay tuned and start your bunker preparations. It's going to be every Jane and John for her- or himself when the giant lizards, insects, and pteranodons come over the horizon.

You've been warned.

Invaded Iraq, Who Didn't Attack Us, and Now Target Iran Although It's Police State Pakistan that has the Bomb

I can think of no one happier with George W. Bush than the guy who had his soul looked into by him--Vladimir Putin. Still a viable nuclear power, a potentially huge problem for Europe, and an ally of sorts to Iran, the Russian president has got to be laughing and laughing and laughing as the US finds that only 17 percent of Turkey's citizens like us, our "ally" Musharraf has declared a police state, and wherever Condi Rice goes for diplomatic kneebending, disaster follows.

With Musharraf going to ground, resistance and fighting may well break out in Pakistan for control of the country and its nuclear arsenal. Although the US is not in any danger from attack by Pakistan--they lack long-range delivery capability--if radical Muslim extremists topple the government, our posturing over Iran or bin Laden and the "smoking gun that is a mushroom cloud" (such a dumb pairing of tropes!) is going to be mooted, and our failure to close out the Taliban in Afghanistan will come back to haunt us.

Putin is an old KGB guy, and he knows how to exploit weakness, whether it is personal or national In some ways he is liberated completely from ideological concerns that constrained his Soviet forebears, and can play any advantage that we lay at his feet.

The Middle East is suppurating like an open wound, and it's going to seriously damage the defensive health of this nation--the real purpose of a US military establishment instead of this commercial protection racket that we're running now.

And yes, that's me in the mask, struggling to find some clean air.

Oh! The Hubris!

The "Lack of Self Awareness Award" for the entire decade has to go to Chimpie. I swear, this is someone with absolutely no shame, no knowledge of history, and the rhetorical integrity of the playground. From the AP today:

Bush argued the current debate over the Iraq war and the administration's anti-terror methods harkens back to debates decades ago over resisting action when Soviet founder Vladimir Lenin first talked about launching a communist revolution, when Adolf Hitler began moves to establish an "Aryan superstate" in Germany, and in the early days of the Cold War when some advocated accommodation of the Soviet Union.

"Now we're at the start of a new century, and the same debate is once again unfolding, this time regarding my policy in the Middle East," Bush said. "Once again, voices in Washington are arguing that the watchword of the policy should be stability."

Bush said any denial of war is dangerous.

"History teaches us that underestimating the words of evil, ambitious men is a terrible mistake," Bush said. "Bin Laden and his terrorist allies have made their intentions as clear as Lenin and Hitler before them. And the question is, will we listen?"

I only have one question, Mr. El Presidente--have you fucking caught bin Laden yet?"

Oh, and World War II lasted from September 1, 1939 until August 15, 1945, taking just under six years to defeat the German-Italian-Japanese Axis powers. It has now been six years and nearly two months since September 11, 2001. Osama bin Laden is still sending you videos. Al Qaeda, with no nation-state to work from, no armament factories, no natural resources, no defensible borders, no nuclear capability for either delivery or detonation, a disconnected network of freelance ideological operatives, is something you claim is as big a threat as was the Soviet Union or Nazi Germany and even requires more shredding of the Constitution than Roosevelt, Truman, Eisenhower, Kennedy, Johnson, Nixon, Ford, Carter, Reagan, Bush Sr., or Clinton ever, EVER contemplated, let alone attempted.

The threat is overstated to serve your megalomaniacal lust, and yet you cannot even deliver up a skinny old man from a warren of caves to show for it.

What a fucking failure you are. Why couldn't you have just become baseball commissioner? At least that wouldn't have killed anyone and a real president could have had bin Laden and his cohort liquidated without breaking a sweat.

Failure.