Forget Wendy's Finger Chili, Forget Michael Jackson, Here's the Next Big Story Headed for Corporate Media Mass Distribution

If you were a television news producer, you might think that a constant fear would be having to resort to actual news, like the corrupting and corrupt presence of Tom "Giant Flying Cockroach" Delay, or the continuing slaughter in Iraq, or the Republican assault on Social Security, among others. But truly, you never need fear having to devote airtime to anything of substance, because in a country this size, you can always find a guy who mistakenly licked chocolate custard off a severed finger. Here's a taste, so to speak:

Clarence Stowers said he thought the object he found in his custard was candy so he put it in his mouth to get the ice cream off. He told a Wilmington TV station that he rinsed off the object and "just started screaming."

Now this story just surfaced today, so let's see how far in gets in the mainstream corporate media. It has the sort of elements that our crack journalists love: amputation, fast food, chocolate flavoring, and it happened in the South.

Of course, I'm as guilty for writing about this and avoiding the really pressing issues of the day, but as I must remind my one or two random readers (if that many) I am not now, nor have I ever been, a journalist.

So for those drawing fat paychecks and getting their hair and makeup done prior to primetime pontification, what the fuck is your excuse?