Imagine that you have been faithfully tithing to your megachurch, just like the Rev. Dr. Ted Methead has been saying you must. You took in that Christian family that had been persecuted out of their homeland in Beluchistan. Even though your incredibly curvalicious coworker at Roctite Industries has been rubbing up against you in the warehouse and finally offered to have a no-attachment sexual relationship with you because she really digs clean-cut Jesus lovers, you have remained faithful to your wife, even though she has gotten a bit more shrewish since the birth of your eighth child, has refused any physical contact, and refers to you as "The Big Loser" in your Bible meetings on Wednesday nights.
Then one morning you wake up to find that Rev. Dr. Ted Methead is having a hell of a lot more fun than you are. To wit, he's having methed-out gay boner parties with hookers every month. On Sunday he tells you all about purity and faith and the terrible forces beyond that want to tempt you with homosexual urges and poisonous substances. On Monday, he drives to Denver so he can powder his nose with methamphetamine and then play hide-the-salami with a dude for pay. So what do you do?
You pray for his soul. You curse Satan for the temptations he puts before us. You muse about how insidious that the forces of evil are that they could undermine even so righteous a fellow as Rev. Dr. Ted Methead. And on Tuesday I'll bet you still pull the lever for Republicans all across the board. And you know why you do that?
Because your wife is right. You ARE "The Big Loser."
You're a big loser because you hold to a creed that is provably exploitative of dopes like you and oppressive of the women who marry you. You're a big loser because you refuse to face the evidence that is put before you time after time after time that you are being lied to, exploited, and generally played for a fool by the likes of Ted Haggard, George Bush, Dick Cheney, James Dobson, and a host of other criminals who can spot a sucker loser like you at a thousand yards. These real devils have been building careers and entire empires by picking the pockets of losers like you.
You're a big loser, a stupid freak, and a self-willed moron who refuses to use his God-given gift of free thought and critical analysis to reason through those suspicions you've suppressed whenever yet another "Man of God" gets caught with his swollen hypocrisy jammed into someone's bunghole.
But I'll be damned if I'm going to let losers like you drag this country down.
Tuesday is D-Day for America. We are at the apex between salvation and damnation. It means the forces of the true darkness have swept in because we have abdicated our duty to face truth, to honestly see the world as it is, and to bravely engage that world with enlightened and humble action.
In this final day before the mid-term elections, the Republican shit-throwing machine is doing everything in its power to get the big losers out of their malaise at how much they've been lied to and out to the polls one last time because God really is on their side. Really. God is a Republican. And God engineered Ted Haggard's butt-boy-bongo and Jim Foley's attempts to start up some of the same with underage male Congressional pages just to test your faith. And it's not true, as former White House staffer David Kuo wrote, that Karl Rove and company view you as "nuts" and "goofy." And George W. Bush really, really is a Jesus-loving Christian who only executed 152 people in Texas, sacrificed 2800+ American lives, and 50,000+ Iraqi lives because it's exactly what Jesus would have done had he the largest military in the world instead of twelve stupid deciples.
Yes, Jesus wants you to vote Republican because he hates America. And given our recent history, I'm not the least surprised.
9 comments:
Olaf said "Tuesday is D-Day for America. We are at the apex between salvation and damnation. It means the forces of the true darkness have swept in because we have abdicated our duty to face truth, to honestly see the world as it is, and to bravely engage that world with enlightened and humble action."
so do you really think the democrats will lead us to salvation? believe me i have no love for the gop "shit-throwing" machine as you call it, but you are naive if you think the dems will do any better. they (all politicos) are all lying self-serving hypocrits. remeber clinton and his extra marital affairs, and then bold face lying to the entire nation about it? the dems are no better. i fear this country will continue to go hill fast.
down hill*
Do I think the Democrats will lead us to salvation? Of course not. But I do believe that they will at least slow down the rate at which we are hurtling toward second-tier status.
The key difference between the Dems and the Repubs is that at least the Dems are not driven by crazy ideologues who have no use for debate or pragmatic analysis or the facts. They may be just the other gang, but at least they dwell in the reality-based world.
That's something.
Or are you arguing for a continuation of the Repub policies since they've been so successful?
If you tell the doctor, my head hurts when I hit it with this hammer, he'll stay, "Well, don't do that." So if the country says, "America gets really fucked up when it invades countries for reasons that are all false, suspends habeus corpus, and characterizes critics as terrorists," then the obvious advice is, "Well, don't do that."
oh hell no, i don't think the gop continuing their debacle is the answer either. our entire election process needs to be overhauled, but unfornately that will probably never happen.
i am not as optimistic about the dems. they have their little agendas as well. i hope you are right though.
Preach on, Olaf!
But seriously... we can really change things if we implement large-scale campaign finance reform. No more contributions from corporations, no personal contributions larger than $500, and then the politicians will more closely resemble "working for the people."
Happy Voting!
I'd rather have publicly financed elections with free television and other media access provided by any entity using a public asset. Or, at the very least, no contributions to political campaigns except from individuals who live full-time within the district or state. Corporations could donate funds to public financing but not to individuals of any party. Contrary to some idiotic interpretations, money is not speech, and I think an equal and fair forum for debate by providing all qualified candidates is the way to go.
Arizona's Clean Elections law is a very good example of what we could do now if only the people would finally tire of being considered as suckers and dupes. However, it's very hard to convince people to stop being dupes when they seem to enjoy it so much. Looking over our choices in presidential races over the last 50 years doesn't give much hope from either camp, and third parties are essentially outlawed by campaign regulations.
Epitaph for America: A nice idea, but human nature being what it is, doomed to failure.
A bold public election financing State ballot initiative -- patterned in-part on the Arizona law -- failed at the California polls today. It lost in every single county... well, every county but mine, that is.
oooh but we got a sweeeeet victory in the local race i was working :)
oh yeah, and Congress.
Congrats, Dusty, on the victory!
Too bad about the clean elections stuff. I'm surprised that California is not at the cutting edge of this.
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