I'm so out of it. If my wife hadn't started talking about the need to dust off our Xmas Stalk (we use an agave stalk as the centerpiece for the annual orgy of consumerism), I wouldn't have realized that we are, as of tomorrow, in the "Holiday Season." Ordinarily, this is something I dread. If it wasn't for the old Ray Conniff Singers recordings still available, I wouldn't make it through until New Year's Day, which is a day of liberation, as far as I am concerned, because I really hate the whole American idea of Xmas. And you can throw in all the other incidental holidays too, like Hannukah, Kwaanza, Festivus, etc. In fact, holidays in general are a bust, because they are now nothing more than anchors for shopping opportunities and also because they force us into celebrations and gift-giving that is neither heartfelt nor healthy.
But actually, that all changed last year, when Bill O'Reilly--yes, that mad ranter over at Fox "News"--raised all of our consciousness about the War on Christmas. At last, I thought, there's a war I can wholeheartedly support! I cleaned my weapons, bought some new ceramic body armor, and was ready to party with whoever was waging that war. As an added bonus, standing in opposition to the "War on Christmas" were the aforementioned creep O'Reilly, plus other rightwing nutfucks like John Gibson and Michelle Malkin. Talk about your convergence of enemies!
The trouble was, I couldn't find any recruiters or the army that was fighting this "War on Christmas." Before I knew it, we were into January, and as far as I could tell, Xmas had come and gone without a shot being fired or a single Santa taken prisoner.
But I'm ready this year, so I'm asking for your help. Where do I sign up to join the "War on Christmas"? Is it an official military organization, or is it still in the guerilla stages? Do I get to wear a beret with a red star on it? What are the chances of victory? Would it really be possible to one day live in a society free from drunken office parties and deadly dull family gatherings? Could I at long last live out of the sight of inflatable candy canes and dancing snowmen?
Just don't take away my Ray Conniff Christmas records. That's real.
5 comments:
Hey, was it near the Arizona border where that drug smuggling santeria cult made soup out of an American college kid? A war on the superficial hedonistic self righteous American college culture is what really needs to happen. Yeah sure study hard what a hoax. Need to have a war on thanksgiving too why celebrate a freaky suicide sect like the puritains that doesn't even exist anymore cuz they went bezerk and masacered each other.
There are more worthwhile things to have a war on. While I do understand your disenchantment with typical American Christmas...I'm a lot more likely to say fuck it, and worry about something that matters.
People choose to have boring visits and spend money they don't have on gifts they don't want. It's a choice. It's just another stupid choice and I don't see any reason to piss on anyone's leg about it. Let's face it, people are stupid. So what? Just make the choices that work for you and have a sense of humor about the rest.
People who are deranged enough to put out their inflatable candy canes have the same right to exist as the people who have miniature wooden wishing wells and plastic flamingos. (most of them are the same people) Who really cares? I'm sure you do something silly and annoying that gets other people's fur up. Live and let live. In the grand scheme of things...four weeks of plastic reindeer doesn't mean much.
The one thing I DO like about Christmas, in all it's plastic dazzling fakery, is the spirit of nurturing wonder and imagination in children. I like the storytelling. I like the sense of wonder. I like the focus on the needs and desires and dreams of children.
Like movies and books, Christmas is a wonderful break from reality that is Live-Action, with audience participation. Try to think of it as a recreational amateur theater play...and you'll have a better sense of humor.
I'm sappy enough to smile about the old people who put up decorations specifically for the children of the neighborhood to enjoy.
I'm sappy enough to enjoy gag gifts between siblings that make you laugh and remember.
I'm definitely sappy enough to enjoy the wonder of the kids...yes...even as they are ripping into their (gasp!) materialistic presents.
And in a way, I guess I enjoy the whole rich package. The familial bullshit, the midnight gift wrapping marathon, getting loaded on Bailey's and re-hanging the decorations the cats keep knocking down. The stupid plays and recitals. My mom's cooking is pretty tasty.
My point is, you can choose not to do any of it. If you feel obligations that are making you unhappy.....THAT is the problem, and THAT should be the topic addressed.
Christmas itself, is pretty silly and inert.
Having a war on Christmas would be like having a war on Mimes or Bowling or something.
Did somebody turn the satire alarm off?
I didn't declare the war on Xmas--I just was drafted into it by those idiots who waste airtime and newsprint decrying the war against an--and here I agree with you--benign cultural artifact.
Yeah--there really is an army against Xmas. I'm designing the uniforms now.
Lighten up, man. Oy.
Wow. That's great. Sleigh bells ring, are ya listening...satire rings, no I'm not...Ah shit, I shouldn't pick on anyone. It's too damn early...
I'll be in your army against Christmas!!!! Sign me up!!!
CB
Post a Comment